laura ann mullane

The Weight of a Rabbit

Later that summer after the lightning bugs died, the family took a trip to Baltimore to stay at their cousins’ house. Sparrow wondered how the farm and Baltimore could exist in the same world just a few hours from each other? She remembered the cars and people everywhere, the sun radiating off the asphalt, sirens, kids riding bikes. But mostly she remembered the pool.

It was the first swimming pool Sparrow had been to. She’d swum in ponds and lakes, but never a pool. She remembered the crisp smell of chlorine and the shouts of children echoing over the water. Splashes and screeching. The deck chairs neatly aligned like dominoes. The softness of the grassy hillside above the pool where they spread their towels under a canopy of trees. Her cousins had juice boxes. Sparrow asked if she could have one, but her mom said no. It’s not really juice, her mom told her. It’s all sugar and food coloring. She made a face.

Her cousins, Kelly and Suzette, sucked on their juice boxes through unblinking eyes. Suzette was older, almost a teenager, and didn’t really talk to Sparrow or Robbie. When she finished her juice box, she tossed it back in the cooler and said, to no one in particular, I’m going to hang out with my friends. She walked across the white-hot surface of the deck to a group of other girls, their champagne-stem limbs draped casually over the chairs.

Kelly, who was just a few months older than Sparrow, grabbed her arm. Come on! she said, pulling her away. Kelly was tall for her age, like Sparrow, and had freckles, like Sparrow, but her hair was straight and blond, unlike Sparrow’s brown curls that she got from her mom. Come on! Kelly said again. Let’s go off the diving board!

Robbie shouted, Me, too! and grabbed Sparrow’s other hand.

They all ran together, Sparrow feeling in her stomach a vaulting symphony. But when they got to the diving board, Sparrow stopped. Even though it was the low dive, she was surprised by how far it was from the water.

Come on! Kelly said again, tugging her arm and then letting go to climb the four steps to the board.

Sparrow saw the long plank extending over the pool, the water churning below from the previous jump. She swallowed and felt the symphony in her gut explode into a riot.

Kelly looked back at her. What’s the matter? Are you scared? Sparrow couldn’t tell if it was a genuine question or an accusation, but she knew better than to find out.

Robbie’s scared, she said, tightening her grip on his hand. I’m going to take him down the steps. This wasn’t exactly a lie. Robbie couldn’t swim very well. He was still little. There’s no way he could jump off the diving board. She looked at Robbie, who wasn’t paying attention—his gaze fixed on the teenager sitting by the snack counter eating a popsicle.

Kelly shrugged and continued onto the board. When she got there, she ran to the end of it and dove off into the sparkling blue water.

Sparrow’s mom appeared behind her and Robbie and put her arms on their shoulders. Come, my little birds. Let’s go to the shallow end.

They went to the other end of the pool, where Dana sat on the edge, dangling her long tan legs over the side (Sparrow knew even then that her mom was pretty; she noticed the men at the pool looking at her mom in that way the men on the farm sometimes did), while Sparrow and Robbie climbed down the steps into the cool, smooth water. Robbie let out a delighted shriek, jumping up and down on the steps, throwing fistfuls of water into the air and laughing as it rained down on him. Sparrow pushed out toward the deep end, until she was on her tiptoes, and then took a big gulp of air and kicked her way to the bottom, feeling the net of water spread across her face. She opened her eyes and saw the blurry legs of other kids kicking past her and shafts of yellow sunlight splitting the surface. She turned her face towards the sun, kicked her legs behind her, propelling upwards, the bubbles forming a halo around her. When her face came out of the water, she turned to see how far she was from her mom and Robbie, and was glad to see they were a long ways away.

Sparrow! Robbie called from the steps, waving his arms. Sparrow! Look! He again threw water over his head. Sparrow swam back to him, plunged under the water, and grabbed his legs playfully. She could hear his muffled laughter above her. Sparrow! he shrieked again. Sparrow! Stop!

Sparrow popped out of the water and scooped him into her arms. Want to go under?

Robbie’s eyes grew wide. Yes!

Okay, let’s take a deep breath. One-two-three—Sparrow and Robbie both inhaled deeply and sank below the surface, where Robbie stared at Sparrow with saucer eyes and a pulled-taffy smile, bubbles escaping the sides of his lips. They popped back up.

Again! Robbie commanded.

So Sparrow did it again. And again. And again.

But the next time, Robbie inhaled a big gulp of water as they went under and came up coughing and crying.
Sparrow tried to console him, but he didn’t stop. Mommy! I want Mommy!

  Sparrow looked to her mom, who was still sitting on the side of the pool, her arms already outstretched. Come here, sweetie. She reached down in the water for him, not saying anything, but Sparrow knew she was disappointed in her.

         Her mom cradled Robbie, rocking him back and forth, as he coughed and hiccupped for breath. Kelly swam up to Sparrow. Can you do a handstand underwater? I can! Kelly dove down and kicked her legs into the air. Sparrow could do this. It was easy. But she wasn’t really interested in playing. Instead, she swam next to her mom and Robbie. When Kelly came up for air, she swam over, too.

That’s when Robbie nuzzled his face into his mom’s chest and she removed her swimsuit strap from her shoulder, revealing her stretched, swollen breast—which Robbie clasped between his hands—and her round, dark nipple, on which Robbie locked his small, pink mouth. Sparrow thought nothing of it until she turned and looked at Kelly, who stared, slack-jawed, at Robbie. Sparrow’s face flushed and she looked away, and then saw that Kelly’s face wasn’t the only one. Other kids nearby in the pool stared or whispered and giggled to each other. Suzette, sitting with her friends on the deck, let out a shrill laugh and then covered her mouth. Even some of the other moms lounging on chairs under the sun turned away with a look of disgust on their faces. A deep hole opened inside of Sparrow and she felt herself sink into it.

Her mom, of course, looked oblivious. She sat there, holding Robbie, stroking his hair and looking out over the pool, as if the stares and giggles weren’t hot embers falling from the sky.

When Kelly turned and swam away, Sparrow knew she was distancing herself from them—that she didn’t want people to know they were related. Sparrow paddled after her. Kelly, wait up! Kelly kept swimming, so Sparrow, in a moment of panic, shouted, I want to go off the diving board!

  Kelly stopped and turned. Really?

  Sparrow treaded water, blinking away the drops that gathered on her eyelashes. Yeah.

Okay. Kelly swam to the side and climbed out, followed by Sparrow. As they approached the diving board, Kelly said to her, That’s so gross.

What is? Sparrow asked. But she knew. Of course she knew.

Robbie breastfeeding. He’s like… she stumbled for her words. He’s like a kid. He’s not a baby. That’s so gross.

A red hotness blossomed on Sparrow’s neck. I know. So gross. He’s such a baby.

Sparrow inched slowly to the edge of the diving board. Kelly had just jumped in and now it was her turn. The board bounced as she walked. The instability made her instinctively reach out to grab something, but there were no rails. She almost turned around. But then she looked across the pool to where her mom and Robbie sat on the side—Robbie’s face still pressed into his mom’s breast; her mom’s hand still stroking his hair. The rest of the pool had finally stopped staring and gone back to its frenzy of kicks and screeches.

Sparrow held her breath and jumped.